A one-time school project gone terribly, terribly wrong.

31 October 2007

We Are Sick and Tired

So as some Avid Fans may know, Mme Metro needed to undergo some minor day surgery at a local-ish institute of learning. I took the Monday off to drive her and the Tuesday following to care for her.

Whereupon I promptly developed severe laryngitis, without any other cold symptoms. Then today I developed all the symptoms.

Mme has thus far made a splendid recovery. I continue to languish. With the result that most of the time Mme seems to be looking after me.

However, I did manage to make my usual Hallowe'en Jack o'lanterns.

Which is good, because otherwise I'd have accomplished nothing at all.

Except a blog post.

26 October 2007

It's Monkey Week

... here at the ol' Metroblog.

Well a monkeyish couple of days, anyhow. The universe is just monkey themed--or at least the bit of it that evolved into the apparently-dominant species of this planet.

I say this because humanity has yet to accept the power of its almighty overlords, the telepathic sea chickens ... sorry ... woolgathering there ... ah yes--because when I got to work this morning, this was the opening screen of the company net:

I was trying to think of a decent way we could show our appreciation for the mercy of the telepathic sea chickens ... sorry, mind wandering ... Oh, right. I was trying to come up with something better than "I cn haz bananananana?"

Thoughts, anyone? I will award a coveted Metro No-Prize for the best caption.

25 October 2007

Meh ... Could Be Me, I Guess

The last couple of posts have been almost aggressively depressing, no? Not to worry: Metro's sunny disposition returns, courtesy of Azahar.

Metro went and got himself his head shrunk by some pretty colours over at the Colour Quiz Although they seem to have mis-spelt it. Metrocomments in italics.

Metro's Existing Situation
Seeks a close and understanding bond in an atmosphere of shared intimacy, as a protection against anxiety and conflict.

But Tia still refuses to return my calls. Why? Whyyyyy?

Metro's Stress Sources
An existing situation or relationship is unsatisfactory, but he feels unable to change it to bring about the sense of belonging which he needs. Unwilling to expose his vulnerability, he therefore continues to resist this state of affairs, but feels dependent on the attachment. This not only depresses him, but makes him irritable and impatient, producing considerable restlessness and the urge to get away from the situation, either actually or, at least, mentally. Ability to concentrate may suffer.

It's that damn restraining order ...

Metro's Restrained Characteristics
Clings to his belief that his hopes and ideas are realistic, but needs encouragement and reassurance. Applies very exacting standards to his choice of a partner and wants guarantees against loss or disappointment.
Circumstances are forcing him to compromise, to restrain his demands and hopes, and to forgo for the time being some of the things he wants.

I hope Tia comes to her senses, so that we can be together ... as it was meant to be. And yes, I am restraining my desire to buy a gold-plated Bugatti for the time being.

Metro's Desired Objective
Has a powerful drive towards sensuousness.

Oh, geez ... like a blind person couldn't notice that through clothing from across the street.

Metro's Actual Problem
Anxiety and a restless dissatisfaction, either with circumstances or with unfulfilled emotional needs, have produced considerable stress. He tries to escape from these into a conflict-free security in which he can relax and recover.

Tia, sweet Tia ... don't you see what you're doing to me? Write me baby! ... And I swear, your cat was supposed to live through the process and return to you more beautiful than ever.

"Metro's Actual Problem ... As if! Upon discovery, Metro will provide PhD material for generations of unpskilled pshych pstudents.

Take the Color Quiz here.

Labels: , , , , , , , , , , ,

24 October 2007

Dance, Monkey, Dance

Okay, so the post below is long and depressing. But Metro knows what bloggers are for! We exist to spread teh funneh all over the intertubes, like faeces on a car windscreen.

Metro's just another monkey with a death wish, and he knows it.

But that's okay. We have teh funny videos to watch until the ice caps melt.

Because if you type "monkey with a death wish" into Google, you get this:

Shot against sunset of Metro-Monkey, dancing and tipping hat to Ærchie, for the animation.

Haven't Been Around Much ... I've Been Thinking About Joining a Church

I got nothing.

Just totally uninspired lately. Well, what's inspiring anyway, out there?

Bush just scuttled a health plan for kids, 'cos he's all about that culture of life stuff, and expanding health-care to another few million children would cost as much as his pet war burns by killing people for two months.

I'm thinking of joining a church. Yeah, just so I can believe in an appropriate hell for this clown.

In other news, Democratic opposition still refuses to impeach ... managing the miracle of being bigger @$$#013s than Dubya is and yet remaining more popular.

Did I mention I'm thinking of joining a church?

At the same moment, Bush shoots off his mouth at Fidel and Raul Castro--whose country has a universal health care plan.

In related news, Rush Limbaugh and friends swiftboat a 12-year-old.

Have I said I'm thinking about joining a church?

Things aren't much better here . Stéphane Dion is eating Stephen Harper's $#!7 with a smile, rather than actually take a stand for anything and start an election, because he feels "Canadians aren't ready for an election."

What he really means is "I'm scared Canadians aren't ready to vote Liberal again yet."

Well I tell you one thing, Steph. You just guaranteed that that's not going to change, at least until you quit.

Of course, since the other two opposition parties are playing with their dicks and letting Dion have seconds at the buffet, I'm stuck with the Green Party, the Marijuana Party, or the Sex Party. Suits me fine. I would give anything to live for five years in a country governed by a coalition of those three parties! Instead of the usual crop of blue-suited wealthy white boring old farts. Harper's worse by only about thirty percent.

Until the election ... I've been thinking about joining a church.

The NaPo had an editorial this week detailing their fancy that Canadians are "getting over their fear of Harper." In which they claim that objections to our current stiff, wooden, inhuman PM are fuelled by some terror we have that he has a "secret agenda". Uh, no. We know his agenda. He wants to turn Canada into America-Lite. 'Cos that country is working so well for all its little corporo-serfs. The secretive part is Harper's refusal to allow the people he works for to have a look at his work. From "security certificates" to his secret communications complex, he tells us nothing.

Meanwhile, I'm thinking about joining a church.

Pakistan is starting to hit a rolling boil. A corrupt yet democraticish politician returned home to face the corrupt, undemocratic coup leader, and 115 die because politics in Pakistan hasn't quite managed to favour the ballot over the bullet yet.

Iraq is ... well, you know ... Blackwater continues to revolt and disgust enemies and friends alike, at home and abroad. But that's okay, because Prince Erik is a pay-triotic American who believes in free markets and the private-sector management of government functions, so he must be a good guy.

Who makes me think I might consider joining a church.

In related news, China's putting a polish on repression in order to make the place look a little less like a dictatorship and more like a workers' paradise in time for the Olympics. Never mind that the only thing growing faster than the cities is the mass of humans left in the cold by the desperate graft of their "Communist" rulers. Speaking of which.

Vancouver is allowing the free market to determine whether or not the slumlords who've sucked off the public-expense tit for decades should be allowed to renovate and then sell for millions the properties they couldn't even make liveable for the past decade or two.

Makes me want to join a church.

David Horowitz is holding "$#!7 Your Pants at a Muslim Week"--Keynote speaker is that bastion of rational Christian morality, Ann Coulter. Already the first blow has been struck, as Hamas-trained terror squads piss and make faces.

I have a solution: I'll join a church!

California is burning. Because Al-Q set fire to it. Good ol' Fox "News"--still giving us reasons to shoot our televisions. Hat tip to Mr. Schecter and Co. I'm probably not important enough to give hat tips to anyone ... so WAGASA?

But no matter, the world is heating up at an increasing rate and no-one in government or industry is remotely interested in taking any neccesary steps (see: "Stéphane Dion", also look under "principles--betrayal of").

The three Kittens of the Apocalypse: Shit, Piss, and Corruption. Wherever I look.

Happy thoughts, happy thoughts, happy £µ¢λing thoughts ...

19 October 2007

Let's See if This Gets Any Reaction

It is a closely-held belief of mine that companies embrace e-mail largely as a means of denying actual service. I have detailed before the chicanery and fraud of the Rio company, manufacturer of shoddy electronic goods.

Basically e-mail, to many organs, is a means of holding irate customers at arms' length until they give up and stop swinging.

Arriving in Vancouver for the first time I received a ticket from Imaprick ... sorry, I mean "Impark," because I had no payment slip on display ... on my motorcycle. I was not occupying an actual space, mind you, but had squeezed my bike behind a pillar in a little corner of the lot.

In other cities, it went without saying that putting a ticket on display on your bike was an invitation to theft of a parking ticket. But Impark was, as a corpate entity, uncommonly stupid and mean.

I won that one. There's been at least one other, for something similar. And I won that one too. But now they've decided to go for three.

A few weeks ago, Mme Metro had an appointment at a local dental establishment. The parking facilities have been taken over by Impark, but as this lot is at an educational institution, naturally there is no free parking within several kilometres. The car was left with two hours' worth of parking on it. Mme thought it might need more. But as the appointment for which she was arriving was supposed to last just an hour, and the coins were sufficient for just two, that was the amount purchased.

The appointment ran long. Mme paid for another 40 minutes or so, which would last until 2:10 PM. But she had to wait for one of the people she was to meet with, and the circumstances were such that she could not physically have left the building at that time, unless she wanted to attract attention by dragging her dentist along by the arm like a retreiver with a duck in its mouth.

There was a parking ticket on the car when she emerged at 2:16. Six dammned minutes after the ticket expired. The ticket was for almost $40, with the fine doubling at seven days.

It would only be justice if vandals raided the Impark executive lot every two days from now until judgement day and smeared the seats of the Lexii, Beemers, et. al. therein with a special paste guaranteed to cause ulceration of the buttocks.

Naturally I have to fight the ticket. Mme was unable to stir from the chair, and it was six friggin' minutes, for the love of the FSM!

I have tried to contact Impark, with the predictable result, i.e. none. So today I sent them this (I paraphrase slightly):

Dear Sturmparkentrupfers:

I have now conveyed several communicatta regarding my wife's violation ticket, without reply. I have made an especial effort to communicate at a level you would understand, including sending you a chewable cardboard book printed using words of only one syllable and bright friendly pictures. I even sent a mime to voice my complaint (if you will excuse the term) in interpretive dance. I would quite like to know what you did with the mime, by the way. I had heretofore regarded the rumours of an aligator pit beneath Der ImparkenNestderSchlanger to be without, a-hem, foundation.

Since it has now been over two weeks since the ticket was issued, the fine has doubled, according to the information on the ticket. Unfortunately I have decided that it is unlikely to be worth my time to send twice as many original messages, so I have decided to simply divide each subsequent message into two halves, one will contain the vowels and the other the consosnants. After all, it seems only fair that you should do some of the work your refreshingly candid attitude to customer service makes so necessary.

But perhaps I am underestimating your qualities of mercy? Perhaps you have searched your souls and found there some remnant of the Citizen Kane in all of us who longs only for his childhood sled, "Rosebud". And perhaps in that Grinch-atop-Mt.-Crumpet glow you have picked up your pluméd quill, and setting ink and wax to parchment dismissed the fine?

If so, then may the blessings of the FSM rain down upon you, I shall trouble your dark, bloodshot, and beady little eyes no more with my texts. In fact, to relieve your carpal ligaments off the strain of typing any reply at all to my messages I shall assume that this is what you have in fact done, pending notice to the contrary.

Sincerely yours,


Naturally I am expecting notice to the contrary. Why does there have to be so much moo before one gets to the milk?

16 October 2007

A Schoolboy Analysis

John Gray makes this analogy to the state of mind preceding tonight's throne speech:
If you guys don't shut up, I'm going to call an election. You're looking for trouble and you're going to get it. Do it my way and we won't need an election. No, do it my way and we won't need an election. Yeah? Yeah! Who says? I say, so stuff it. Yeah? Yeah! You're chicken. Say that again. Yeah? Yeah! I dare ya. Yeah?
--Via the CBC

In other news, the Harper government is setting up its own "independant" media centre. Presumably in order to circumvent a free press without having to actually go about all that messy business with the jackboots.

Remember--that's Mr. "Accountability-in-Government" who's deliberately disassembling it. I hope the Liberals call him on the throne speech. I'm willing to go to the polls to see the back of him, and the sooner the better. He's not what we need right now.

12 October 2007

Friday Drive-By Posting

Yup. Work, work, work; act, act, act. That's all I do. Then I leave work.

Have I told you there's yet another infestation of Raincoaster at my place? Apparently it followed someone home one day and has made itself at home. One hears it crawling through the ventilation ducts and snickering to itself as it caresses the keyboard of the computer mushily slurring "myyyy pressshhhusss". This has less to do with the beaky mouth and lack of lips that it has to do with the vast quatities of alcohol the creature consumes. It has finished the vodka, and even made inroads on the beer (a substance it claims to abhor). I recycled the vodka bottle, and inside included a note begging anyone who finds it to leave, and not to return to this once-happy village, but to alert the air force. It's a sacrifice, but one I'm prepared to make. And after all, I'll be out of town ...

As proof of the creature's presence I have enclosed the following picture:

Raincoaster footwear, viewed through our front window. Note that this is not the complete collection--obviously this set is insufficient to cover all of the pseudopods.

Clearly the unfortunate proprietor of The Zen of Steve has had some experience with the Moist Maven. I would suggest that said proprietor immediately acquaint themselves with one of the upstanding charitable organizations dedicated to helping people recuperate from the horrid experience. Particularly if it was undergone sans alcohol.

Alternatively, the French Foreign Legion is still accepting recruits.

10 October 2007

A Quick Post About Why I Can't Post

Things are a little crazy in Metroland ... so everything's normal. Or normal as it gets. However:

I haven't been able to make the rounds of the blogroll, nor put up any really serious posts for about a week. Part of that was Thanksgiving weekend. But things are likely to be a bit spotty for a while. I'm making at least two trips out of town in the next two weeks, work's ramped up, and theatre is sucking out the few minutes I have to myself.

At work, I've been given another project (read: "had dumped on me another publication"). I want it, as it's part of the conditions for my raise. But other workplace changes are currently being felt as well, and that means posting from work is totally out.

After work I get to go home for dinner, and then five days a week I'm at one theatre or another either rehearsing or performing. That gets me home just early enough to fall into bed and do it over again tomorrow.

So I'm posting to ask your patience, O Avid Fan. Particularly I would like to apologize to the antisocialist, who has been waiting patiently for me to craft a reply to his thoughtful comment about the Canadian health care system.

I'll be back, but I'm short on time at the moment.

09 October 2007


Okay, so I'm on coffee break so I decide to go for a Bagel. And over at the bagelhaus I find the funniest £µ©λing thing I have seen in ages.

'Cause teh blasphemy is teh funny. Jesus, if you're watching--Ration Reality is responsible for the picture below. The Bagel tempted me, and I looked.

Seriously, if I'm taking the wrong side of Pascal's wager I may wind up fried for eternity for the way I enjoyed this. But the site is run by an atheist, an agnostic, and a Christian.

Actually, it should be a sacred act to look at this site, 'cos like the good book says, "Where two or three are gathered in my name, there I shall be also."

In the Navy, You Can't Put Your Mind at Ease

Because you can't expect your wife and baby to be there when you get back.

A US sailor on his third active deployment is a little upset:
"Defending the country that's trying to kick my family out is a thought that always runs through my mind."
--From CNN.

Mark Krikorian of the Center for Kicking Out the Brown Folks ... sorry, I'll read that again: ... of the Center for Immigration Studies, is okey-doke with that:
"What we're talking about here is letting lawbreakers get away with their actions just because they have a relative in the military.
I'll bet a six-pack that Krikorian has a "Support the Troops" bumper sticker on his SUV, right above the "David Duke for President" sticker.

Ludicrous. If they deport Gonzalez' wife and baby, he should desert immediately. And I'd welcome him here.

I dislike deserters. One local town has become a byword for soldiers from the US who desert when they find out that the recruiter was lying and no, Iraq isn't safe. They are usually deported to face charges. I have no issue with that.

You sign on the line, you're agreeing to fight your country's wars, regardless of how addle-pated, unfair, irrelevant, or patently stupid they may be. You give up a sheaf of rights, in exchange for bucks, beans, and fighting in a cause you believe in. From the soldier's point of view, the cause is "my country right or wrong."

But in Eduardo Gonzales' case they're telling him that the people closest to his heart--the ones he fights to protect--are not Americans; that the United States is not his family's country.

So why should he offer to shed his blood for it?

07 October 2007

And So:

Let's see:

The fence is electrified ... the man-traps are laid along the path to the door. We have a generous supply of salt laid on. Bell, book, and candle are all present. Perfect conditions for a visit from la Raincoaster.

Tonight, her moistness hath challenged ol' Metro here to blog (and I quote) "more coherently" than she.

Oh, like that would ever be difficult ... To make it more of a challenge, Metro has imbibed some half-dozen beer ... Well it must actually be more, as observation suggests that casa Metro is lacking some 18 beers of a two-four. Consumed largely by Metro himself, with some little assistance from the tentacled one plus Mme Metro.

And what did we get up to tonight? Well aside from the orgy, there was:

Two Days in the Valley, Tapeheads, and Phil the Alien, of the which comes this clip:

Of course I don't expect the moist maven to recall any of this, given that she was slithering about from the sofa to the floor relatively early in the evening.

It's okay. We have laid in a supply of cleaners to take care of the excess slime on the carpet.

01 October 2007

Post a Monkey Video Day!

Usually I am not inclined to saturate the blog with animation. But today, I will post yet another video. Two in fact. There are upon the internets videos which I will post. Sometimes two in a single post. And when I find the videos that satisfy me, I may post them even if there are two of them. Usually I do not post two videos so close to other posts of videos, but in this instance I will set aside my objection to posting videos in close proximity to one another, and place a pair of video selections withint the span of a single posting. In spite of my misgivings I will place on my blog not merely one, but a brace of videos for you to enjoy.

But this begs for watching too.