A one-time school project gone terribly, terribly wrong.

07 July 2009

Does that Budget Report Come With Assless Chaps?

Conservatives are well known for a sort of voyeuristic prurience when it comes to sex. Now it turns out that this is their economic policy too:

For example, it's well known that while decrying sex and all things sexually positive, the "family values" types tend to enjoy their lesiure time at adultery, borderline pederasty, prostitution, anonymous gay encounters, and similar purportedly lib'rul pursuits. While especially true in the US, there is much such in Canada as well. Then they like to pretend it just ain't so.

In Canada, with regard to the economy, the Conservative Government is behaving exactly like a 17-year-old boy with a purity ring* trying to talk his likewise be-ringed girlfriend into a little back-door action.

Canada to Young Stephen Harper:
"I don't know ... I mean, it looks like it might be uncomfortable."

Young Stephen Harper to Canada:
"Oh come on, honey ... It's really not that big. In fact it doesn't even exist."

"You're wrong--I can see it, and it looks scary."

SH: "What ... This ol' thing? Naw, it's just a little bump. You'll even enjoy it."

C: "But I'm afraid it's going to hurt!"

SH: "Well it might hurt, just a little, going in. But you'll enjoy it--it's a wonderful opportunity. Hell, in 2012 it'll be nothing but fantastic."

C: "Look, we need a little lubrication at least."

SH: "No we don't!"

C: "Are you nuts? Look at the size of that thing. It's big enough to wreck General Motors!"

SH: "Oh, okay, if you insist. Crybaby."

C: "OW! Sweet Jesus! It's big, really big, and it hurts! You never told me it'd be this bad."

SH: "Well, uh ... I didn't know. Yeah, that's it ..."

Office of the Parliamentary Budget Officer: "Um, Master Harper ... You knew. You clearly knew. But you've been lying about it for at least a year. Sorry, sir, it's my job to call bullshit on you."

SH: Uh, okay. I lied then, but I wasn't really lying ... and if I was it was Ignatieff's fault, or the Previous Liberal Government's ...

Und so weiter.

*A purity ring is a ring, often inscribed with the name "Jesus" which is supposed to indicate a comittment to chastity until marriage. In fact, at least fifty percent of such "pledged" virgins fall by the wayside, possibly not including the ones who get married out of desperation and divorce later, and particularly not including the ones who eat/blow each other and have anal sex to "preserve" their virginity. As Dan Savage says: "I've been prserving the $#17 out of my boyfriend's virginity for 14 years now!"

In fact, as I see it, purity rings should be a reliable indicator of a teenage girl who's into Saddlebacking. Which is why Christian Conservatives love them, I guess.

Update: I tried to find the video, but it's "Restricted for people in your region". One comedian commented on the topic of a 16-year-old who wanted to wear her virginity bling in school:
"I say if she wants to wear a ring that signifies that she's not having sex--Let her get married like everyone else!"

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At 12:38 p.m., Anonymous Anonymous said...

Great work, Metro-Man

However, I believe you are giving Mme. Harper way too much knob-credit. You know, I know, and all proper-thinking Canadians know that Harpie doesn't have a penis. He's at best a eunuch, at worst, the C-word.
We can only hope that one day he'll grow a set and have that strap-a-dick-to-me operation he so desperately needs.
By the way, does Diamond Dave still wear those assless chaps?
"I got one foot out the door, time to hit the road. Ain't no match for your mean old man I think it's time to roll...


At 5:29 a.m., Anonymous Anonymous said...

I love the way one commenter on one of the videos claimed that Harper was a TRAINED (sic) economist. Which to me says he is a trained witch doctor. We can see where trained economists have gotten us over the last 30 years, and I think we would have done better with trained seals.

At 12:57 p.m., Blogger Metro said...

Great as always to have your visionary analysis on the ol' Metroblog. Even if the visions are the sort to make a man scrunch his eyes, plug his ears, and scream "NONONONONO!"

Harper in a corset and heels ... Yeurgh.

He may be potty-trained. But as an economist he's a clear failure. His thesis included the notion that no government should ever try to spend its way out of a recession. Which is true as far as it goes. Money should be earmarked for helping those who lose jobs survive.

Instead he began by tossing 12bn tax dollars at GM, betraying his own mingy priciples and the workers at one fell swoop.

He claimed during the last election campaign that there was no approaching financial crisis--A crisis the Economist has been predicting since about 2007.

I think there's a place for economists. But economics is as much a human science as a numbers game, Harper quite plainly doesn't understand that.


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