A one-time school project gone terribly, terribly wrong.

09 March 2009

Dick Pics? Lemme Help You With That, Mr. Johnson

So I have a gmail account, as some of you may know. And today I went to check it, as, y'know, you do, right?

And found myself the inadvertent focus of a love triangle, or so it seems.

First off, because the address is fairly common, I get a lot of mail that seems to have been misdirected or mis-addressed to "Metr0" or "" etc. etc.

In this instance, someone named, for arguments' sake, "Johnson" at somemail dot com has apparently sent to "Rapartist34" at someothermail dot com, pictures of himself. For reasons equally unfathomable, person two has sent them to another address which closely approximates mine.

The first set, in message one, are fairly benign. A black male having dinner with a pretty woman, a couple of plain-jane pics of said black male ...

It's the next two that are ... um, interesting. It seems as though the person depicted has become very excited. It's hard to be certain it's the same guy--the camera's on the bathroom floor--but that would be the logical conclusion, no?

The third leaves absolutely no question as to exactly how excited said dude is.

So, having taken some time to think about all the permutations of why I appear to be receiving nude photos of person unknown A courtesy of person unknown B, I composed the following response:

Dear guys:

If you're going to send pictures of your dick to people, please check the address first. For all you know you could have sent this to your own mother! What would she be thinking right now?

"Mmmm ... sonny boy looks good with his boxers off ..."
"My boy--hung even bigger than his daddy!"
"Wait'll I tell the girls at bridge!"
"I'm so glad he's found a nice boy to show his dick to ..."

Come on guys. I'm all for internet porn, but at least have some professionalism! Speaking of which--You really need to work on your camera angles. That thing looks no bigger than about six inches, and are you sure that's the impression you're trying to give here? Oh, and a word of advice: for this kind of work you really need better lighting too--Surely you can find a bathroom with track lighting somewhere? I could hardly read your tattoo.

Which was mis-spelt by the way. I'll leave it to you to figure out whether it's "My hart," "belongs," or "dady."

All the best with your future photography. To increase your public profile I've created a whole new MySpace page in your name and will faithfully post all the pics there. Since I don't know whose email to enter on registering, I'll use one for the "main" and one for the "secondary" addresses.

But don't worry. I'll make sure I get those addresses right. Which unfortunately does not guarantee that some goober won't accidentally send you his dick pics through sheer carelessness, lack of attention, and lack of consideration.

Yours, sincerely, etc.


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At 1:08 a.m., Anonymous Anonymous said...

Dammit, I never get interesting mail like that!

At 4:32 p.m., Blogger Norlinda said...

"To increase your public profile I've created a whole new MySpace page in your name..."

Yeah, I laughed cos' my warped mind mentally removed the "b" from the word "public".

At 4:36 p.m., Blogger Metro said...

You want I should forward this stuff?

Now I'm laughing because I'm sure that you, a professional in the communications field, surely meant to remove the "l" :-)


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