Metroblog

A one-time school project gone terribly, terribly wrong.

24 December 2008

Peace on Earth, Good Will to All (1)

Except teh gay.

Pope Benedict a day or two ago, in the spirit of the season (which the Catholic church considers its second-most-important, although why the birth of Mithras should rank so highly I know not), made the traditional address to the Curia. In essence he was giving the cardinals their marching orders for the next year.

During this speech, in the spirit of the season, he claimed that:
"The tropical forests do deserve our protection. But man, as a creature, does not deserve any less."
Wow--"Hug a tree, hug a human being--Signed His Holiness Himself."
Which is fine. As far as it goes. But unfortunately it goes rather further. Because that noble sentiment was preceeded by this one:
In his address to the Curia, the Vatican's central administration, he described behaviour beyond traditional heterosexual relations as "a destruction of God's work" and said that the Roman Catholic Church had a duty to "protect man from the destruction of himself".
I have long had an issue with the Church's stance on homosexuality. Essentially, it says that since god created gays, and god can do no wrong, being gay is fine. However, in accordance with the dogma laid down by prior Popes whom said dogma, though not history, claims can also do no wrong beacause they're inspired by teh god, actually engaging in "gay acts" (like hugging, kissing, fondling, licking ... you get the idea) is evil and sinful and will surely lead the practicioner to eternal damnation.

That is, it's just fine to actually be as velvet-tuxedo-with-frilly-shirt-wearingly, drippy-jewelery-dazzling, sequined-thongingly queer as you like. But if you actually prove you're gay (which admittedly no-one wearing the wardrobe described above need do) by kissing another man/woman/other, then you're screwed. Or rather, not; If you take my meaning.

The Pope made these statements while wearing a flowing gown with matcing hat and accessories. And, according to gossip, Prada shoes (And we all know who wears Prada).

However, I'm concerned. As we all know, some trees are self-pollinating, which is just a politically correct mealymouthed liberal word for "bisexual". What happens to Catholics who, out of ignorance or sheer misguidedness, happen to hug a bisexual tree? That's engaging in teh gay behaviour. And whether you're straight or gay, engaging in teh gay behaviour gets you sent to teh hell. Clearly this Pope is misleading God's chosen people.

To be safe, we should probably just continue ripping up rainforests. Sure, a couple of non-homosexuality-optional trees might die, but they'll go straight to heaven, so that's okay.

Although I hear hell is better-decorated, and at this time of year that's important.

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3 Comments:

At 9:09 a.m., Blogger Wandering Coyote said...

"The Pope made these statements while wearing a flowing gown with matcing hat and accessories. And, according to gossip, Prada shoes (And we all know who wears Prada)."

This is THE BEST paragraph EVER!

 
At 9:49 a.m., Blogger Metro said...

*Blush*
Sure puts that Shakespeare guy in his place, don't it?

Merry Christmas.

 
At 4:11 a.m., OpenID silverstar98121 said...

That they don't get the ridiculousness of their argument is so fundamentally screwed. My brother and his partner of 32 years will probably get to heaven before I do. But I can't tolerate cold very well, so will see you all in hell.

 

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