Graduation Speech Form for Graduates of Northern Illinois University, Columbine High School, Virginia Tech et Al

Ladies and Gentlemen, it's such an honour to stand here and present this speech on behalf of the graduating class of 2___. I'd particularly like to thank those of you who supported us as we made our journey through the hallowed halls of acadamia. Particularly those of you on the security team.

But I'd especially like to single out a certain group today: The National Rifle Association. Thanks to their efforts, the odds of us getting good jobs has increased a fraction, due to their incessant work at allowing people with mental deficits to own large-capacity automatic weapons.

Yes, because of the National Rifle Association's conviction that anyone who can sign their name on the third try should automatically qualify to own a handgun, shotgun or 110-mm howitzer for home defence, there will be several blank files in the workforce of tomorrow. Who will rise to the challenge of filling those spots? Why, we will of course, the class of 2___. Of course, that statement isn't intended to exclude those among us who, thanks again to the great work of the NRA, are confined to wheelchairs.

We will share a common vision of the future--those of us who weren't blinded by shotgun pellets. And we will seize that future with both hands, or in the case of some, with both hooks. And we will stand shoulder to prosthetic, ready to place our noses, whether original or rebuilt by plastic surgery, to the grindstone.

We will remember our fallen comrades, some of us whenever the temperature changes, or the colostomy bag. But we will carry on. And we will thank the NRA for protecting our God-given right to hunt deer with cop-killer ammuntion in a large assault weapon, and to carry a weapon hidden away where no-one can see it until we bring it forth in public to do what it was created to do.

On my own behalf I'd like to thank the late Professer Toomey, formerly Dean of Law here, and I'd like to thank the gentleman who hired me to lobby politicians for the right of toddlers to carry guns in kindergarten to defend themselves against unfortunate incidents like the one that reduced our grad class to the seven people here today.

I want you all to know that I'll be working very hard for my six figures in Washington, trying to persuade this disgustingly liberal congress to pass amendments so that the sacred right guaranteed in the Constitution continues to outweigh bureaucratic petty concerns like keeping students "safe" instead of well-armed, or keeping guns out of the hands of people who have as yet comitted nothing more serious than a domestic assault or two.

God bless the NRA!

God bless them.


Metro sets his timer, twiddles his thumbs, and waits for the first croak of "Guns don't kill people, people kill people!"

There have been six goddammned school shootings in February this year in the US. Special warning: concern trolls and apologists had better come with a better-than-usual range of arguments.