A one-time school project gone terribly, terribly wrong.

14 February 2008

Graduation Speech Form for Graduates of Northern Illinois University, Columbine High School, Virginia Tech et Al

Ladies and Gentlemen, it's such an honour to stand here and present this speech on behalf of the graduating class of 2___. I'd particularly like to thank those of you who supported us as we made our journey through the hallowed halls of acadamia. Particularly those of you on the security team.

But I'd especially like to single out a certain group today: The National Rifle Association. Thanks to their efforts, the odds of us getting good jobs has increased a fraction, due to their incessant work at allowing people with mental deficits to own large-capacity automatic weapons.

Yes, because of the National Rifle Association's conviction that anyone who can sign their name on the third try should automatically qualify to own a handgun, shotgun or 110-mm howitzer for home defence, there will be several blank files in the workforce of tomorrow. Who will rise to the challenge of filling those spots? Why, we will of course, the class of 2___. Of course, that statement isn't intended to exclude those among us who, thanks again to the great work of the NRA, are confined to wheelchairs.

We will share a common vision of the future--those of us who weren't blinded by shotgun pellets. And we will seize that future with both hands, or in the case of some, with both hooks. And we will stand shoulder to prosthetic, ready to place our noses, whether original or rebuilt by plastic surgery, to the grindstone.

We will remember our fallen comrades, some of us whenever the temperature changes, or the colostomy bag. But we will carry on. And we will thank the NRA for protecting our God-given right to hunt deer with cop-killer ammuntion in a large assault weapon, and to carry a weapon hidden away where no-one can see it until we bring it forth in public to do what it was created to do.

On my own behalf I'd like to thank the late Professer Toomey, formerly Dean of Law here, and I'd like to thank the gentleman who hired me to lobby politicians for the right of toddlers to carry guns in kindergarten to defend themselves against unfortunate incidents like the one that reduced our grad class to the seven people here today.

I want you all to know that I'll be working very hard for my six figures in Washington, trying to persuade this disgustingly liberal congress to pass amendments so that the sacred right guaranteed in the Constitution continues to outweigh bureaucratic petty concerns like keeping students "safe" instead of well-armed, or keeping guns out of the hands of people who have as yet comitted nothing more serious than a domestic assault or two.

God bless the NRA!

God bless them.

Metro sets his timer, twiddles his thumbs, and waits for the first croak of "Guns don't kill people, people kill people!"

There have been six goddammned school shootings in February this year in the US. Special warning: concern trolls and apologists had better come with a better-than-usual range of arguments.

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At 5:21 p.m., Blogger Wandering Coyote said...

Great post.

My dad is a fervent NRA supporter (yes, even in Canada) and NFA card-carrying member, and gun collector, etc. etc. and I am so firmly anti-gun it's not funny. No argument he makes EVER in my whole life has ever convinced me guns are good. You don't want to know some of the stuff he believes to justify gun ownership (he particularly likes to bring up "the Swiss are all armed and they have no crime" argument, which is untrue).

If you're worried about protecting your property or your house or whatever, get an effing guard dog is what I say.

At 6:08 a.m., Anonymous PJ said...

Recent stats on gun deaths per 100,000 population:
United States 3.98
Canada 0.4

That's 10 times as many fatalities in the States, per capita.

The first problem in the States is that pioneers 200 years ago were given the right to bear arms in their constitution.

The second problem is that every emo boy who decides to gun down his classmates has his name and face broadcast over and over by ratings-hungry U.S. networks, which encourages the next pimple-ridden angry virgin to go for his own moment of "fame".

At 6:15 a.m., Blogger Philipa said...

Ouch :-/

At 12:02 p.m., Anonymous G Eagle Esq said...


La Mlle N-Amerikan WildHound hat recht, as usual


YOU, Monsieur Metro, are AGAIN/STILL having a bad effect on this Eagle, when I find myself echoing Le MetroHomme si sensible:

"Damn the NRA"

I'm struggling to think of any of my material possessions that are worth killing for ... I've et my supplies of Mars Bars

The US approach to firearms is not merely wrong-headed - it is bizarre and wicked and ungodly and [fades into incoherent splutterings & expletives deleted .....]

Yr obedient servant etc


At 5:56 a.m., Anonymous Anonymous said...

Herr unumlauted EaGle, G.; I fear the NRA will be calling on your residence. Your expressed disapproval of the NRA position is traitorous in any person who professes to support the Cheney/Bush dictatorship. You will find yourself increasingly forced out of Tory politics and even the wondrous Philipa may stop speaking with you. You name will appear in the Fairy List which is being prepared by the military/industrial complex based in the Pentagon!

Not believing in the NRA creed is akin to atheism.

At 1:03 p.m., Anonymous G Eagle Esq said...

Jungs - Crimeys, Aerchie

Das ist very vorrying - a Fatwa from the NRA

Already, I am cowering South of Hadrian's Wall, to avoid roaming Herds of Pictish Haggis, now incensed against Sassenachs by the Lady ApilihP's tasteful praises of their culinary excellence on la Marchionesse RegenCoaster's Mummified-Fairy Post

.... and I don't have a Canadian Visa, to seek a MetroLandian Safe Haven beyond heavy-machine-gun-range of the Lovers of Life in the NRA, who wish to perpetuate the god-given Constitoootional right of free, defenceless children to be shot

... err, I meant defenSeless

... and they won't let this Eagle into AustrAAAlia - I shouldn't have threatened to turn all those Dozy Bulls loose against those Termites ....

I remain your most anxious umLaut-deficient Servant etc


At 10:31 a.m., Blogger Metro said...

The Swiss are certainly not all armed. High estimates put gun ownership at 46 per 100 citizens. 400,000 of those guns (there should be about 2 million guns all told) are army issue.

But more importantly--they have strict gun control. Guns at home have to be kept under lock and key, as they do in this country, and the requirements for buying them are quite stringent as well. Stolen guns must be reported by law.

And as for being crime-free, well there was the Zug massacre--14 people killed by an army-issue weapon plus a grenade.

But it's always easier to point to only the facts that bolster your argument, even if they aren't actually facts.

Yeah, and as I understand it, the Canadian households that own guns tend to own more of them, too.

You know, maybe gun control advocates in the US should approach this another way:

Yes, let's pretend the Constitution is somehow an inviolable document, and that it says you can, indeed should, have a weapon in your home.

A 1780-vintage smoothbore musket is what the founders doubtless had in mind. I'd be okay with that, I think.

When was the last time you read "5 Killed in Musket Assault?"

Yeah. And every damned time someone gets their guts or brains "ouched" onto the walls or floor of a school, a home, a workplace, the same pack of cretins crawl from their holes and suggest that:

a) "Guns don't kill people."
Bullshit: Many of them are made for no other purpose. Again--when was the last time you heard "Workplace stabbing kills 22, film at 11"?

b) "If you take away the guns from the honest people, only the criminals will have guns!"
Bullshit: There are no "illegal gun" factories labouring away producing Mafia brand handguns for export. All "illegal guns" began life as some zealot's personal property.

Not to mention that many crimes, such as this latest atrocity, are comitted with guns that were bought legally.

It is the fault of the NRA and its apologists that this sort of thing keeps happening. Every time a modicum of sense creeps into the House, the NRA lobbyists organize a letter campaign, and the bills die.

In that way, the NRA is directly responsible for arming and enabling the people who commit these crimes. And they should be treated as the criminal-enablers they are.

@Herr EagLE:
It is your misfortune to live in a country where, despite strict gun control, the number of gun crimes appears to have risen.

Of course, again, figures don't lie, yet liars figure. The rise in gun crime looks to me to have included a number of gang crimes. It seems to me that the average citizen in Britain is likely much safer from gun crime than one in the US.

Sorry to hear about the Mars bars.

M. Eagle has not, to my knowledge, professed any great admiration for the Bush Junta.

I've often wondered why the NRA seems to so strongly echo the whole "God, Guns, and Government" motif.

I think it's due to them largely originating from the white slave-owning stock of the deep south.

I wonder what would happen if I wore a long beard and a turban and turned up at my local firing range calling myself "Mustapha"?

At 1:15 p.m., Blogger Philipa said...

Blimey, all I said was 'ouch'.

Yoh Archie und Herr Eagle, don't include me in any fatwa's as I'm now hiding behind the sofa..

At 1:59 p.m., Blogger Metro said...

Surely the Daleks are long gone by now?


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