Stupid-Ass Mascots

The mascots for Vancouver's 2010 Winter Olympics have been revealed, and what a load they are.



Now doubtless you are asking yourself, as were millions of Vancouverites and other BCers yesterday: "WTF are those supposed to be?" Whoever designed these is out of their teeny tiny mind.

First there's the look. Critics are already referring to the furry four (yes, four) as "Pokemon Lite". The first question people normally ask when confronted with them is "WTF are those supposed to be?"

Then there's the actual animal/creature/thingies they represent. Now you'd think that after the debacle of stealing an Inuit inukshuk (below) to represent the games in the first place, they'd be smart enough to stay away from native symbols.

The tundra-dwelling inukshuk is regionally inappropriate: gravely out of place in the coastal rainforests. When the symbol was unveiled, one could hear Innu elders quietly murmuring in inuktut: "WTF is that supposed to be?" Well, one actually couldn't, 'cos, you see, they live up in the north, not in British Columbia.




But nooooo. The thinking that powers the 2010 Winter Olympics can be summed up this way: If you repeat stupid often enough it'll turn into smart.

So here we have, according to the 2010 site,

Sumi: an animal with the wings of the Thunderbird and the legs of the black bear, wearing an orca hat. He's the paralympic mascot. If I were a paralympian, I might be suing someone about now.

Quatchi: "A shy sasquatch." Although I'd say relative to other sasquatches, he's a sodding publicity hound. I mean, how many goateed sasquatch have you seen prancing about at gala openings lately?

Miga: The spirit of the Sea Bear, part orca, part Kermode bear. See also: "football bat."

Oh, and their sidekick: Mukmuk, the only real animal in the group. He's a Vancouver Island marmot, which makes him one of about 200 surviving Vancouver Island marmots in the world. Presumably the reigning liberal government is quietly stating their intention to make sure he too becomes imaginary ere long.

Whatever godforsaken design firm came up with these things? Maybe the same idiots who brought London this abortion.

Mme Metro also points out that when you have to stop and explain WTF those things are to everybody every time they get trotted out, it's not an indication that you're doing something right. As an example of how to do it, consider the Olympic mascots of the Sydney 2000 games. Ollie, Syd, and Millie (referencing the Olympics in Sydney at the Millenium) There was a fourth, a frilled lizard named Lizzie, but she dropped out quietly shortly after the launch:



They're intuitive: We get that they're Aussie. The Vancouver mascots could be from Tokyo, for all anyone knows.

Look, if we're going to have Japanese-looking mascots for the Olympics, there's alread one which is much more appropriate: He's called Unko, or some such. I couldn't find an image, which is probably a good thing. Because he's a turd. Yep, that's right. He's a golden turd with sneakers, and wherever he goes he brings money.

Which in my opinion makes him a fine mascot for the Vancouver 2010 games.