A one-time school project gone terribly, terribly wrong.

14 May 2007

Isn't It Nice When Stuff Just Works?

This morning I was pouring milk onto my mini-wheats when I noticed a nasty odour on the morning air.

"That garbage under the sink has had it," I thought. Mme Metro and I live in a hotter climate than much of the rest of the country, and we have to be very regular about things like the garbage.

So I hoisted a spoonful of milk and cereal into my mouth and, for what I believe is the first time in my life, was faced with the eternal question:

Spit or swallow?

The milk, dear readers, was off. Not Jack-Black-chunks-pouring-into-the-coffe-cup-funny-off. It just smelled bad. What it tasted like was something I'll leave to your imagination.

Oh okay--a bit like yoghurt.

I strode to the fridge, wrenched open the door, and plucked the gallon plastic jug (since you can't find bagged milk in this benighted land) from the fridge door.

My eye sought the due date. Already in my mind I was sending Mme Metro up to the grocery to get a new jug: "The due date's May 26th," she'd say, "And it's already off."

But the due date was May 13th.

Today being the 14th, I experienced an odd satisfaction at how well the system had functioned, as I made my toast and sipped a cup of black coffee.

Now I'm curious: what's the grossest thing you ever took a bite of and swallowed?--without ever seeing it again.


At 3:19 p.m., Anonymous PJ said...

As a teenager in Ontario, I was mad about fishing. One night every spring, we'd load the cars with cases of beer, junk food and bait, go to the nearest lake and wait for midnight, the official start of pickerel season.

The year I was 18, I sat inside someone's big boat of a car and gorged on ripple potato chips and dip. I remember thinking that the dip was great, your regular convenience-store onion dip but with lots of crunchy bits of veggies. Only when someone came to get me, and opened the car door causing the interior light to come on, did I realize that the dip was creamy, but studded with dozens of flying insects that had been attracted to it, then stuck in it. I managed not to throw up by drinking a lot of beer.

At 4:20 p.m., Blogger Metro said...

Funny. I have on occasion consumed a great deal of beer to produce precisely the opposite effect. Mercifully I did this mostly in the days before the cellular phone came equipped with cameras.

At 8:17 p.m., Anonymous Stiletto said...

What a hilarious story, Metro!

I'm curious - what sort of milk do you buy? Skim? Whole? Two percent?

I'd say the grossest thing to ever happen was walking to the fridge at eleven am with a huge hangover and grabbing a container of Gatorade...I took a huge sip when I suddenly spotted cigarette butts floating in it and noticed the color was off, too...after all, how many flavors of Gatorade come in MURKY BROWN?

It was then that I realized that I was drinking out of my brother's make do dip spit/cig ash reused Gatorade bottle.

At 8:18 p.m., Anonymous Stiletto said...

Spit or swallow...yes, it's nice when guys gain empathy.

BTW, this post is really funny. Can I repost it on my blog?

At 11:55 p.m., Blogger Metro said...

@ Stilletto:
When I was in the Forces (a time now quaintly referred to as a decade ago), we called chewing 'baccy "snoose". I have no idea if that's the correct spelling, just how it sounded.

I smoked, but didn't chaw. My buddy, call him Smokey, did. He also used to arrive home after supper at the mess hall, sink ten beer, and then pass out until roused to go to the club around ten.

One night he had been drinking so much he could barely stand, when someone bet him $50 he wouldn't drink the full cup he'd been using as a spittoon all night.

He won the bet. And his only comment was that it "tastes like kissing a chick who smokes."

One of the witnesses barfed.

We've been on the skim for a while. Mme never drinks moo juice and I switched as part of a diet plan some time ago, and just never switched back. It helps that we get it from a local dairy (though via the local supermarket), so it's rather better tasting than the mass-dairy variety at Safeway's.

By all means: this is a blog, theft (with the appropriate link and credit) are encouraged.

Theft without AL&C earns one of a variety of entertaining punishments, but the less said of those, the better.

At 2:04 a.m., Anonymous raincoaster said...

Ah yes, metroblog. Home of civilized and informed discourse on the future of our great nations...

I ate brains once in Indonesia. Lukewarm, in curry sauce. No idea what KIND of brains they were, either. I didn't have my glasses and we were in a padang restaurant, where the food is in big bowls in the window; you just point to what you want. I thought it was chicken breast.

Tasted kinda sour, the texture was exactly like the whites of a hard-boiled egg.

At 8:19 a.m., Anonymous Stiletto said...

Moo juice? I thought only in Alabama...See, the waitress in a diner down south asked me if I wanted any "heavenly cow juice" to go with my meal. I do believe the word milk sounds more savory.

"One of the witnesses barfed."

It's like watching a scene right ouf of Jackass, I'd imagine.

"I ate brains once in Indonesia. Lukewarm, in curry sauce. No idea what KIND of brains they were, either. I didn't have my glasses and we were in a padang restaurant, where the food is in big bowls in the window; you just point to what you want. I thought it was chicken breast."

I'd eat brains too if I thought it made me smarter.

Note to self: Metro's blog AFTER breakfast, not before.

At 8:21 a.m., Anonymous Stiletto said...

PS How does one confuse brains for chicken breast?

Were you drunk, Raincoaster?

At 8:45 a.m., Blogger Metro said...


Eating brains clearly does not make one smarter. Either that or one must shudder to read the Raincoaster blog and consider what she was like before consuming a handful of used neurons and dendrites.

Some things are considered equivalent: "free gift," "cold ice," etc. If she's sober, we usually specify.

At 4:46 a.m., Anonymous raincoaster said...

No glasses. When you're nearsighted, every pale lump in yellow gravy looks the same!

At 6:57 a.m., Blogger Metro said...

Yeah--and everything tastes of almonds too.

When did you say you were stopping by?

At 5:46 a.m., Anonymous raincoaster said...

When are you sending the limo?

At 9:40 a.m., Blogger Metro said...

I think you misunderstand. We're just booking our vacation trip and I'm sure the dates will, alas, co-incide with your visit. So sorry and all that ...


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