Metroblog

A one-time school project gone terribly, terribly wrong.

03 December 2006

It's An Addiction


This site is becoming the internet equivalent of a train wreck for me. You see it starting to happen and you just can't look away. Okay--a really interesting train wreck.

Essence Of NYC: A Play in One Act

Bimbo tourist #1: Anyway, so when he pulled it out of me it made this farting noise, and I know it wasn't a fart because it didn't smell, and... It was just really embarrassing.
Bimbo tourist #2: Quip.
Bimbo tourist #1: What?
Bimbo tourist #2: A quip. The farting noise, it's called a 'quip.'
Bimbo tourist #1: Oh, they have a name for it? Wow.
Bimbo tourist #2: Oh, totally. It happens to a lot of people.
Stranger: Um, that's not right.
Bimbo tourist #2: Excuse me, sir?
Stranger: No, it's 'queef.'
Bimbo tourist #2: Wait, what?
Bimbo tourist #1: I think he's saying his name is 'Queef' or something.
Bimbo tourist #2: Oh, sorry. Excuse me, Queef?
Stranger: No... Oh, lord. The sound, it's 'queef.'
Bimbo tourist #2: Who's a 'queef'? What's going on?
Bimbo tourist #1: I think he's one of those crazy subway guys you hear about. I think he's telling us he's gay.
Stranger: I can hear you, and I'm not... What? That's 'queer,' you ingrate!
Bimbo tourist #1: Here's some money for you, sir. Buy your boyfriend a nice grocery cart or something.
Stranger: What?! Does it look like I'm homeless to you? I'm wearing fucking YSL over here... I ain't queer and I ain't homeless. You ignorant, you skinny, Paris Hilton-wannabe whores. All I was saying to you was that when your sleazy-ass friend over here pulled her boyfriend's dick out of her STD-ridden pussy, the word...
Bimbo tourist #1: I'm not following... Is he speaking Cockney or something?
Bimbo tourist #2: I don't know. Are you allowed to mace crazy hobos?
Stranger: ...I'm not fucking crazy!
Bimbo tourist #2: Of course you aren't, sir.
Passenger: Oh, shut your mouth, both of ya, or I'm gonna whoop both your scrawny asses, you hear?
Stranger: Thank you. All I was saying was...
Old lady: Ah, hell no! Can't you see this conversation has gone past anyone in this damn subway's comprehension? Know when to drop it, brother. Know when to drop it.
Bimbo tourist #2: [Mouthing] Oh my god.
Bimbo tourist #1: I know. That was intense.
Stranger, muttering to himself: ... Last time I ever take a subway... Unbelievable shit I put up with... Fucking Civics... Unreliable fuckers...

--L train


via Overheard in New York, Nov 28, 2006

12 Comments:

At 1:25 AM, Anonymous raincoaster said...

We regret to inform you that quite a lot of the Overheard stuff is made up. Gawker even followed a planted story that made it to, I think, four different Overhear cities last year.

But you could always start Overheard in the Okanagan. There's money in it.

 
At 5:01 AM, Blogger Metro said...

Actually I was thinking that one in your position might do exceedingly well from "Overheard in Vancouver".

I thought about the potential made-up-ness of the site when I first started reading it. It changes the humour very little.

M*A*S*H was funny, even though the closest they got to Korea was probably one or two of the extras.

 
At 7:33 AM, Anonymous archie said...

No wonder it took so long to win in Korea. They shoulda sent John Wayne, not a whole crowd of untrained extras!

 
At 8:14 AM, Anonymous raincoaster said...

Overheard in Vancouver already exists. I've been on it twice.

 
At 10:33 AM, Blogger Philipa said...

Oh well you hear the most amazing stuff on pubic transport that you really don't want to hear in the UK. The one that fascinated me was an innocent exchange by two old ladies:
OL1: How's yer usband?
OL2: Oh 'e's a martyr to 'is piles, 'angin' down like bunches o' greapes they are.

For some strange reason this caused an apoplexy of muffled giggles. You know? That stifled gutteral throaty choking? Toilet humour just delights the Brits.

 
At 10:44 AM, Blogger Metro said...

Thank you Philipa, for an image I will be seeking the mental equivalent of an ice pick to gouge from my mind's eye.

We do get some rum customers here on the ol' Metroblog. And gin customers, and not a few beer customers ...

 
At 2:08 PM, Anonymous raincoaster said...

Delightful image. Perhaps he could use an athletic supporter, although in that case it would be an un-athletic supporter, I suppose.

Metro, you've been tagged.

 
At 2:38 PM, Blogger Lori said...

Greyhound Bus Driver, upon arriving at the depot in Chilliwack:
"Everyone watch your step. This is Chilliwack."

 
At 3:41 PM, Blogger amanda said...

Recently on Overheard in Vancouver:

Overheard on the #3 Main Street bus,

“No, Paris is OLDER than Britney”.

“Not her vagina”.

“Yeah, she hasn’t been Federlined”.

 
At 10:21 PM, Anonymous raincoaster said...

Actually, I'd put even money on the fact that she has been Federlined.

 
At 1:56 AM, Blogger Philipa said...

Sorry Metro

(but I still think the image of an old mans complaint more amusing than the thought of Paris Hilton's vagina - I mean that's just nasty)

 
At 10:01 AM, Blogger Metro said...

First off, I doubt they really look that different. But while the crotches of sad, desperate people who are more famous for being sad and desparate than for any actual accomplishment aren't really my thing, given the choice between that and an old man's bunch of grapes I gotta say:

SHOW ME THE MONKEY!

Screw "Federlined" they should both get 'em RE-lined.

 

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