Metroblog

A one-time school project gone terribly, terribly wrong.

10 November 2006

Dogs With Teeth Need Regulations With Same


Disclosure: I have never particularly liked dogs to begin with. Nor cats--though I find myself living with two.

But I am a responsible curator, and the animals are not allowed into the great outdoors. And when they crap, someone in this house (not me, more often than not) scoops it from the litter box and down the bog it goes.

Furthermore, I agree with dog enthusiasts that cats are basically parasites. Like fleas with their own fur coats, only they scratch you. Dog owners have all sorts of fulsome praise for their animals. You hear words like "companion", and "member of the family".

Well would ya please start treating them like members of the family? If a member of your family $#!7 on the sidewalk you'd clean it up, right? If a family member could turn violent any second and take a kid's face off you'd restrain him, right? If a family member went around sniffing stranger's crotches and butts or humping their legs you'd keep tight control of them, right?

In the over-fed, overly well-off Americas, the domestic dog population has rocketed. Dogs are seen as some kind of a right, like having a mom and an apple pie. This increase brings with it an increased number of injuries and attacks. It also bring tons of smaller offences which nonetheless drive non-dog-owners into a purple rage.

Lately, dog owners have learned to disguise themselves as responsible persons: yesterday I was walking the path to work when I saw an Owner holding a leash attached to an animal straining in the bushes by the side of the track. As I approached, said Owner pulled a white plastic grocery bag from his jacket pocket and stood, apparently ready to collect the offering.

I had walked about three paces past when I heard the bag crinkling as he stuffed it back into his jacket, and his footsteps as he began walking on, leaving those special little sausages by the walkway.

Another owner watched his four-footed-friend bound up to me, barking in what he doubtless thought was a playful manner and I interpreted as "Prelude to Cujo". When the animal placed its claws on my shoulder I shoved it away and told it to "go away".

"Aw, he's just playing," said the owner.
"So am I," I said, and sprayed him with bear spray.

Not really. But there's always a next time ... and there always is.

I will no longer pretend to tolerate such antisocial behaviour. These pricks doubtless wander on thinking they're sufficiently special that they, of all owners, should be allowed to let their dog prance around leashless, scattering $#!7 about the landscape with abandon.

Just lately I have found dog$#!7:
On the local school playing field.
On the path I walk to work, in many, many locations.
On the sidewalk by my workplace.

And of course on my shoes.

The majority of dog owners think themselves responsible, I'm sure: "it's just the few bad apples" who are offending. I agree.

To curb those "few bad apples" I intend to press for a law that will confiscate the animal and failing payment of a thousand-dollar fine, will result in the animal being gassed and sent to the Purina factory--Don't be angry with me; I'd rather do it to the owner.

If I can't have that--I'll settle for a thousand-dollar license fee, plus a $30 tax on every container of dog food sold. It'll all go to a fund to defray expenses for the 25,000 people (US figures) who'll get mauled because some alleged "responsible owner" feels their "family member" is too special for a leash.

Prove me wrong, people. Curb your damn dog.

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