Stephen Harper Report Card

To Mr & Mrs. Harper
School Name: Canada
Student Name: Harper, Stephen J.

Dear Mr. and Mrs. Harper:

We regard the Canada School as the finest of political finishing schools. We have given the world statesmen, ministers, and great persons at all levels. Where there is work to be done you will find our graduates, usually working in the background, eschewing the limelight but ahem-"beavering" away.

We had our doubts about accepting young Stephen, but he was so eager and showed such promise--especially after the behaviour of his predecessor--that we reluctantly allowed him a scholarship.

At the beginning of this term we had fairly high hopes for your son. He appeared to have modified his less-socialized behaviour, and seemed to have learned from the behaviour of his peers.


Unfortunately his achievements so far appear to tell another story:

He promised that he would root out patronage and dishonesty in government, and deplored the past policy of appointing Senators to the senior class as a political reward and means of forcing change in public policy. But:

1) Immediately upon arrival he appointed M. Fortier, who has not run in and did not win any election in this class, to be Minister for Public Works.
2) At the same time, having pilloried classmate Belinda Stronach for deciding to play for another house during the vote-of-confidence on Paul Martin’s government, gave David Emerson the International Trade Minister’s job as a reward for doing just the same.

He promised greater transparency and accountability, a key promise made in the wake of that unpleasant business with that Gomery boy and our young M. Chrétien. However, he then:

1) Closed the corridors of power to reporters after cabinet meetings.
2) Insisted that all public pronouncements be cleared through his office.
3) Began attempting to enact draconian measures to secure even more secrecy.

In terms of social policy, Stephen is taking a disturbing tack:
1) He has dishonoured the Liberal child care program in existence a this school in favour of handing out $1200 per year per family per child under 6. This estimate of child care costs seems to indicate that he has failed to learn any lessons in economics class.
2) He seems to feel that the gay marriage debate is not over, despite there being no constitutional means by which he can change the law. This does not bode well for his report in civics.
3) He has eschewed the Liberal’s moderate tack on marijuana for a restatement of the “War on Drugs” rhetoric of George W. Bush, indicating that he is failing social studies.

Most encouragingly, your son seemed in general to have abandoned the bankrupt (morally and financially) and dangerous philosophy of his classmate, George W. Bush. Unfortunately, that promise has not proven true either:
1) First there was the worrying gesture forbidding flags to be flown at half-mast for dead Canadian soldiers. Your son seems to assume that death is just part of the job of a soldier.
2) Then he adds insult to injury by forbidding reporters to cover the arrival of coffins bearing the dead heroes, and bans even the taking of pictures. Particularly worrying.
3) He continues to vouchsafe that the debate on the US “Missile Shield” isn’t over, even though some 70% of Canadians oppose the idea.

It seems increasingly likely that he will fail history, and be compelled to repeat the term.


Mr. and Mrs. Harper, we here are becoming worried that your son is in fact bent on a personal social and political agenda that has little to do with how the rest of the class feels on the issues.

His secrecy measures seem to indicate a clear path, and we can see no good thing coming out of this. Within two years we suspect that Mr. Harper will be using his increased powers of secrecy to render enemy fighters captured in Afghanistan (and, later, perhaps secret missions to Iraq) to the US torture facility at Guantanamo Bay. He will attempt to reform Canadian society in line with his religious and "moral" convictions, and is willing to ignore economic agreements in order to call Mr. Bush his friend.

We regret that your son seems to regard his minority as a license to spit in the face of all that is Canadian, and we ask you to withdraw him from the school.
Failing that, we will have no alternative but to kick his ass out at the earliest convenience.

Sincerely yours,

Joe Canada

Eh?