Metroblog

A one-time school project gone terribly, terribly wrong.

15 January 2006

Dead Puppies and Other Great Ideas

The SO and I were driving around the other day, and we passed a Petcetera store. I had recently read of the fluorescent green pigs bred by a researcher in Taiwan. This gave me an idea.

How many pets are purchased around Christmas or birthday times, only to be cruelly abandoned once they outgrow the cuteness of kittenhood, puppyhood, or even baby-walrushood?

Lots, so saith SAVE. I can hardly imagine the misery of those animals, taken in, briefly loved; only to be thrown away when they no longer fit in the rent-controlled apartment, or into their owners' lives.

So why not breed puppies and kittens genetically engineered to die at one year old? They'd stay cute and adorable, then at the scheduled time they'd pass quietly on and you could have a bit of a cry and then go and get another cute, fuzzy thing.

I forsee terrific marketing opportunities: why not a puppy that changes colour as it approaches its expiry date? It would start out green, like a young leaf, see? Then it would progress through yellow to red, darkening to purple and finally black--an entirely respectful and appropriate shade for what comes next. Or kittens with little expiry dates tattooed into their ears.

When I explained this idea to the SO she told me I was deeply sick.

Personally, I'd like to see a genetically engineered dwarf elephant crossed with a Chameleon and a parrot. I'd train it to sit still, concealed in park shrubbery, until one of these professional dog-walkers with a hundred dogs and a fluorescent vest wobbled by. Then I'd get it to leap out of its hiding place and yell "sic 'im!"

Y'Wanna See Something Sick?

There are people starving in Africa. The United States has been taken over by radical right-wingers and Canada looks set to follow. These are dark days indeed.

Yet instead of applying their ingenuity to the improvement of the lot of humankind, somewhere out there an engineer is pushing his brain through a creative process which leads to a toaster with a built-in radio like this:

I'd be less disturbed if this thing reminded me less of my old Red Dwarf
pal Talkie Toaster. Pics here and here (the second one is the rebuilt first one, following an unfortunate accident with a garbage disposal).

But really, I can sort of get behind that one. The one that just blows my mind, the one which fits neatly into a massive open gulf in marketing is this one.

The Disney Corporation seems to feel they're missing out on the enormous number of Princess-obsessed girls aged four to ten who also want to buy a toaster. I mean, the thing even spits out toast with the unsinged image of a glass slipper on it.


Yeah the pics are rough--whaddaya want from a cell phone?

So I Can't Patent My Great Idea For A Princess Toaster

Or even a Princess Phone-remember them?

But speaking of toasters--I had a great idea for a snack food: the Donair sandwich: Basically it's a donair between two slices of bread. Or the Pizza Donair--a whole pizza rolled up in a huge pita.

Hey--where're ya goin'? You haven't heard about my caramel-watermelon-on-a-stick idea yet!

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