Where Nicole Kidman Seems to Have Gone to Die

Apparently Bewitched is a complete turkey, even though Nora Ephron had the writing job.

What is it with Hollywood? Are they really all out of stories? I mean, it had to happen some day but, like oil, I kind of supposed it might be around at least for my lifetime.

Yet it seems that all they do is trot out distorted, warmed-over TV programs. Which wouldn't be so bad if they could do a reasonable job:

The Fugitive
Solid 1960's TV with a simple premise: a man wrongly convicted of his wife's murder tries to clear his name by finding the guy who really did it.
Real life inspiration: Sam Shepard
Later gave rise to: This.
And unfortunately this.

The problem isn't the actors--T.L. Jones suits his role well, and Harrison Ford is just a consistently good actor (What Lies Beneath is a statistical blip). But the story goes out of its way to be complicated; all of a sudden it's not enough that Dr. Kimball's wife gets killed in a botched robbery or other crime. No--now it's all about massive drug company conspiracies and cover-ups. Why needlessly complicate a good story?

Sgt. Bilko
Real Life Inspiration: The real-life boys who fought the Big Deuce.
Later Gave Rise To: The best damn war film in western history.

Phil Silvers'hammy comedy was perfectly tuned to the post-WWII generation. He was a smarmy, scheming, beguiling small-time crook with a heart of gold. He had energy and style, and could make you love him while he stole the change out of your pocket.

And now? Look, I love Steve Martin. But he played Bilko as a lazy, totally incompetent playboy and the humour was muted (not to say stifled).

I was going to mention Mr. Ed's inspiration of every damn talking horse movie running. Likewise the fact that the other thing Hollywood most likes to do these days is redo it's own films--sort of like the World Snake only regurgitating itself. Rumours of a remake of "I Dream of Genie" abound.

Hell, my favourite series is a remake, and always has been, if you think about it. But that's different--it's Welsh.

Tonight I watched the kids' Disney film Escape to Witch Mountain and I thought it held up pretty well. I'd hate to see it dressed for a remake.

But all this ruminating about predigested movies has got me thinking: This series gave birth to not one, but two cartoons. With a "reality"-TV version of Gilligan's Island apparently enjoying some popularity among viewers (or at least not being turned off after they fall asleep)--can the (latest) movie be far behind?

So my question to you, O Avid Fan, is: Who would you cast and why? Myself, I see Bruce Willis as the Skipper
Samuel L. Jackson as the Professor
Lucy Liu as Ginger
Gillian Anderson as Mary-Anne
And we simply must have Jennifer Saunders (look here, too) in for Mrs. Howell.

And for the title role? Well you want someone respected, serious, a little goofy. We'd save money if he could do his own stunts. Hey! How about him!

Aw, who's gonna violate the spirit of the original to make a hokey movie of it anyway?

Aaagh! Too late.